John knew Peter well, they’d been around the entire time of Jesus’ teaching of the twelve, and perhaps they’d known one another for years before Jesus came on the scene, both families lived by fishing on Galilee, they were both called by Jesus to follow.
Greek commentary on John’s gospel dated 1190-1200 (Bodleian Library)
18:1-14 – Jesus and his disciples left the upper room and walked out of the city, presumably by a southern gate. They crossed the Kidron Valley and entered the garden of Gethsemene (from ‘gath’ meaning a press, and ‘Shemanim’ meaning oils). It was a place where olive trees grew and where the harvested olives were pressed to release the oil. ‘Garden’ does not imply decorative plants and flowers as we would think of a garden today. It was just the term for an enclosed agricultural space, a ‘garth’ or ‘gard’ with a wall around it to ‘guard’ it. Jesus and his followers often met here, and Judas was well aware of that fact.
Judas arrived outside the enclosure, followed by a group of soldiers (presumably Romans) as well as a group of Pharisees and some staff of the High Priest. Jesus left the walled enclosure and asked them who they were looking for, and they answered ‘Jesus of Nazareth’.
Jesus told them, ‘I am he’. And they stepped back and fell to the ground. ‘I am’ in Hebrew and in Aramaic sounds rather like ‘Yahweh’, the Holy Name that nobody was allowed to utter. This would have profoundly shocked the Pharisees and the High Priest’s staff. He asked them again, ‘Who are you looking for?’ Again they answered, ‘Jesus of Nazareth’. And he told them again, ‘I am he, so let these others leave’. Peter had a sword and struck out at Malthus, the High Priest’s servant, cutting off his ear lobe. Jesus told Peter to put the sword away. The Roman soldiers under their commander, and the Jewish officials accompanying them, arrested Jesus and tied his arms, probably behind his back, then took him to Annas, once High Priest, father-in-law of Caiaphas, the current High Priest. Annas asked questions about Jesus’ followers and about doctrinal matters and then sent him on to Caiaphas.
Peter’s denials
18:15-26 – Peter and one other disciple followed Jesus and the group who’d arrested him (bravely under the circumstances). There’s been some debate about the ‘other’ disciple. It might have been John, or Nicodemus, or Joseph of Arimathea, or possibly even the traitor, Judas. (Read some aspects of the debate for yourself.)
This other disciple made it possible for Peter to enter the home of Annas where there were some questions being asked of Jesus. So which of those characters mentioned above would most want Peter to hear that questioning and Jesus’ answers? Think about that for a moment. John knew Peter well, they’d been around the entire time of Jesus’ teaching of the twelve, and perhaps they’d known one another for years before Jesus came on the scene, both families lived by fishing on Galilee, they were both called by Jesus to follow. Peter was a man of action, he’d proved it once again by using his sword that very evening!
Annas questioned Jesus about his disciples and about his teaching (verse 19). Jesus often taught to crowds (you can’t get more public than that) and replied that he always taught in public in synagogues, or even the Temple courts. He didn’t teach in secret. Annas could learn about Jesus’ teaching from any of his many listeners. That remark drew an abusive slap in the face from one of the Jewish officials. Peter and the other disciple heard and saw all this. At this point Annas sent Jesus, still tied up, to Caiaphas.
And Peter denied being one of Jesus’ disciples for the second and third times. How did all this affect Peter? I’d suggest seeing and hearing the interrogation and the angry slap and recognising his own failure in denying he was a disciple all helped to stir Peter up and ready him for action. Frustration, helplessness, anger and guilt are a heady mix for anyone with a habit of activity. And I submit that John, knowing Peter as he did, would have expected that. I think John also understood that a time for action was coming very soon.
With Caiaphas
Although John doesn’t record the interaction between Jesus and Caiaphas, we can fill the gap a little from other sources, read Matthew 26 for example.
After the resurrection of Lazarus, Caiaphas had told the Sanhedrin that it would be better for one man to die for the people, than that the whole nation should perish. He was worried that the Romans would lose patience and intervene militarily.
And during Jesus trial before the Sanhedrin, Caiaphas directly questioned Jesus, demanding a clear answer on his identity: ‘I demand you tell us whether you are the Christ, the Son of God’. Jesus did not give a direct answer, but what he said was regarded as blasphemy and the Sanhedrin condemned him.
The Roman governor, Marcus Pontius Pilatus
Caiaphas and the Sanhedrin wanted the death penalty for Jesus, but only the Roman governor could provide such a sentence, so Caiaphas sent him on for a third hearing.
Pilate was not interested in religion, only in politics, so his first question was about Jesus’ kingship. Jesus explained that he hadn’t come to rule, but to testify to the truth. Pilate’s concern was not truth, either, but still only politics, so he went back outside to the waiting Jewish delegation and told them he didn’t find Jesus guilty of anything. But the custom is that at Passover time I release someone from captivity for you. I can release Jesus for you if you wish. ‘No’, they shouted back, ‘Not Jesus, release the agitator and rebel, Bar Abbas. This Aramaic name means, quite literally, ‘Son of the father’. This is striking indeed as Jesus is the true ‘Son of the Father’. Jesus was known in Galilee as ‘Yeshua bar Yoseph’, Jesus son of Joseph, but he was truly ‘Yeshua bar Abba’, Jesus son of the Father. The Jewish leaders were choosing the wrong man, but also the Wrong Father!
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If Jesus is in John and is glorified, John shares in that glory too! Even if John doesn’t fully grasp what exactly the glory is, he certainly grasps that through Jesus that glory is already in him.
Greek commentary on John’s gospel dated 1190-1200 (Bodleian Library)
17:24-26 – If these verses do not astound you, you need to pay closer attention to what Jesus is saying. Let’s break the material down to consider it carefully. The first thing to note is that Jesus is not conversing with his followers here, he’s speaking with his Father. He’s not asking for strength during his coming ordeal on the cross, instead he’s just telling his heavenly Dad what he wants. And the first thing that comes to mind is that he wants his followers to be with him where he is and to see his glory. Well, they are with him, he’s in the upper room in Jerusalem and so are they.
Seeing the glory
But do they see his glory? No, I don’t think they do – not yet, not fully. Peter, James and John had been with Jesus on the mountain and had seen and heard what happened there. But they didn’t understand what was really going on. Peter, always the practical doer, was going to build three shelters. James might have had more intuition about it, but I imagine John would have got closer than the other two. John was the disciple ‘Jesus loved’, he viewed things from a more spiritual dimension, it was his nature to dwell on spiritual truth and look for hidden depths of meaning.
I think John is already aware that Jesus thinks of himself as Yahweh’s Son, he’s referred to himself as the Son, and he often talks about ‘My Father’. And I suspect John understood that was an eternal relationship. Jesus spells it out again here in the Garden as he prays to his Father. The Father loved him before the world was created and loves him still. And I imagine for John it was not too great a leap to see that this love is eternal and will remain even after the end of time itself. And in verse 26 Jesus says to his Father that he has made his followers aware that the Father has sent him (Jesus), that he’ll continue to show them that so the Father’s love will be in them and so that Jesus himself will be in them too.
Does this take us back to Jesus in glory on the mountain? Yes, I think it does! And John must have understood that if Jesus is in him, that he too must have been gloriously transformed on the mountain, so that he, John, can also talk freely with Moses concerning law and with Elijah concerning prophecy. If Jesus is in John and is glorified, John shares in that glory too! Even if John doesn’t fully grasp what exactly the glory is, he certainly grasps that through Jesus that glory is already in him and raises him to the giddy heights of the law and the prophetic.
And this is where we all stand if Christ is in us. We just need to see, as John did, that the glory arrives when Jesus does, that we share in him and in his glory permanently. So when my body dies (as it must) I continue to live gloriously because Jesus is in me. I’m sure Peter and James came to understand this too, certainly at Pentecost if not before. That was the moment when Jesus’ glory was fully revealed to the entire church, not just in theory but in full experience.
This was a moment they had been told to wait for, but when it came it was far beyond what they had imagined or expected.
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From my longer perspective today at seventy-seven years old I can see that what seemed a minor difference between me and the Open Door elders is in truth a yawning gulf. It’s not just that I took a misstep, but that the entire edifice of following Jesus (Church almost everywhere and throughout history) took an enormous misstep.
Donna and I were married in 1998 and Tony was my best man; Donna’s best friend, Jane, was her chief bridesmaid. Donna had taken a new job with Unilever Research at their research site a little north of Bedford. She bought a cottage in the village of Tilbrook and when we were married I moved into the cottage with her and Unilever offered me a job on their intranet web team, initially to create a website that could be duplicated for each of their research sites – two in the UK, one in the USA and one in the Netherlands.
Donna was keen to find a church in the nearby town of St Neots, or if necessary in Bedford.
We soon found the cottage was far too small, and moved to a four-bedroom property in Eaton Ford, part of St Neots. The internet had barely hit its stride in the late ’90s, so it wasn’t nearly as easy to find a church (or anything else) as it would be today.
One weekend before we were married, I was visiting Donna , and on the Sunday I said, ‘Come on , let’s drive into St Neots and see what we can find’. She said, ‘No, you’ll never find anything that way’. But we jumped into the car and I prayed very briefly to be shown where to go – and off we went. We drove through the middle of the town and out towards Eynesbury but saw nothing of interest, then I turned right and down a couple of streets and coming to a secondary school we spotted an A-board welcoming people to ‘Open Door Church’. We followed the sign, parked the car, and made our way into ‘Ernulf School’ and there we were – Open Door Church! It turned out to be a lively, welcoming place, just what Donna was looking for. Over the next week or so she got to know some of the people and was invited to join a cell group run by Rob and Jean and a couple from France who were planning to return home in a few weeks time. And that was that! By the time I was working at Unilever and had moved into the cottage full time, Donna was well-established at Open Door, the French couple had moved back to France, and Rob and Jean were running the cell group on their own. They quickly became good friends, we even had a holiday in Scotland with them one year.
A wrong step
How easily we do this! Wanting to support Donna, I was happy to go along to the Sunday meetings at Open Door and, far more to my taste, join in with the weekly cell meetings every Wednesday or Thursday. But there was a fly in the church ointment. It was expected that people taking part regularly would ‘join’ the church and sign the membership book. This also involved promising to give your allegiance to Open Door. That was something I found hard – a step too far, a very big ask. My allegiance was to Jesus and him alone. But I did want to support Donna in her new membership of Open Door and it seemed to be something couples were expected to do together. So I put my doubts to one side and signed up – that was a major wrong step!
Trying to right the wrong
What’s the best thing to do if you take a wrong turning? Usually the best thing is to retrace your steps to the point of the mistake and take a different path. As the weeks went by it became clearer and clearer to me that I was in a bad place. I had agreed to be guided by the leaders of Open Door Church but knew that my only guidance should come through Jesus and his Spirit working in me and in my brothers and sisters.
So I wrote to the elders, explaining my mistake and asking to be released from membership and the promise of allegiance I had made. Nothing like this had happened before and they really had no idea what to do. They invited me to visit the lead elder’s (Tony’s) house, and when I went along he had also invited another elder, Brian. They asked me to explain what I meant. I told them, as gently as I could, that in my view all followers of Jesus should follow him alone. I added that this did not mean I wanted to leave Open Door. The reaction surprised me, almost as if I had decided to follow Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. They were cold, even a bit frosty, and it was very clear that they felt I was rejecting their authority in some rather dangerous way. It was as if they felt that following Jesus implied following the elders. I was left feeling, ‘Hang on, this is my life in which I can follow anyone I wish, and I’ve chosen Jesus. Do you think he will lead me to cause problems for you?’
They wanted to talk again the following week, and this time told me that they’d heard my point of view and now wanted me to hear the conditions under which I might continue to come to Open Door meetings. The main point was that they wanted to be assured that if I said or did anything in a meeting that they objected to, and they asked me to stop, that I would do so. And so, on those terms, I was allowed to continue to meet with them on Sunday mornings and for weekday cell group meetings.
Meeting again with other friends
Although I continued to meet at Open Door for some time, I felt unable to contribute freely on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I would share something prophetic, or a vision, but I didn’t want to upset Tony or the elders so I was always quite careful. And now and again I’d sing in the Spirit and others would join in, or I’d speak in a tongue and someone would interpret and that always felt safe enough because the interpretation was not through me! Or I’d dance, usually near the back of the room.
Rob and Jean, however, were personal friends and also seemed to have no issues over anything I said or did either on Sundays or at cell group sessions, but rather welcomed the input. Over the years the group leaders were changed repeatedly but I was still allowed the same freedom almost all of the time we lived in St Neots.
Meeting at home
All of this left me feeling that life in St Neots was poorer in some ways than life in Yatton. I missed my friends, but above all I missed the spiritual depth and intensity of meeting completely freely, guided by the Holy Spirit alone and allowing him to speak to each one through the way he was using all the others. I missed the kind of community I’d experienced in Yatton. I knew it didn’t depend on particular people being involved, but instead, what it required was that all those present intended to rely only on Jesus. ‘I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me’ (Philippians 4:13) and ‘Without Christ I can do nothing’ (John 15:5).
Where was I to find these people? I can’t be sure of the details at this point – who was involved first or how we got started. But my sister Rachael was involved very early on, as were various St Neots friends, my friends Jody and Peter from Unilever, and eventually many more from a wide area in Cambridgeshire, Northhamptonshire and Bedfordshire.
For eleven years I kept a list of meetings and now I can refer to that list to pick out the first time we met at each new location, and that will give a feeling for how the meetings spread and grew. There were rarely more than 10 people at a meeting, but I knew how these small gatherings worked (from long experience in Yatton). There were no rules, but we encouraged everyone to feel free to contribute in any way providing they felt it was from the Spirit and aligned with the way Jesus would contribute. So there was usually a sense of openness and freedom. Almost always there would be tongues with interpretation, Bible readings or at least a few quotes, prayer for guidance and for any needs expressed by those present, prophecy, and plenty of peaceful silence for thought and processing of what others had contributed. The meetings were never boring, and more often than not we could identify a theme that had come together little by little as we met. Most times we’d begin with coffee and a chat.
Dec 2002 – Eaton Ford
May 2006 – Rugby
Nov 2006 – Eaton Socon
Mar 2007 – Great Doddington
Feb 2008 – Little Paxton
May 2010 – Brampton
Jun 2010 – Hinchingbrooke
Jul 2010 – Letchworth
Jul 2010 – Eynesbury
Aug 2010 – Cornerstone, St Neots
Sep 2010 – Watton-at-Stone
Oct 2010 – Corby
Feb 2011 – Offord d’Arcy
Apr 2011 – Moggerhanger
Apr 2011 – Costa, St Neots
Nov 2011 – Earls Barton
May 2012 – Oundle
As you can see, things got under way slowly but spread in an accelerating manner. And in addition to these meetings all around the area, some of us were involved in other things, we had larger celebration meetings when we’d invite other friends along and there’d be music, singing, dancing and the praise and worship would be free and enthusisastic. For me these little meetings were encouraging and exciting – just as in Yatton there was a feeling that Father was pouring his nature and character out amongst us. Jesus was with us.
Donna meanwhile continued with Open Door and the cell group meetings (later renamed Small Group). I drifted away from Open Door’s Sunday meetings as I found it difficult to contribute and disagreed with a fair proportion of the teaching on offer. There was far more freedom in the Small Group environment.
The Eatons
Some time in the past, St Neots Evangelical Church had planted an offshoot called ‘The Eatons’ in Eaton Ford and Eaton Socon (once Bedfordshire villages but by this time absorbed as districts of the growing town of St Neots). Over time, the number of people meeting each week had fallen significantly and only a handful remained. I don’t recall how I heard about this situation, but I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to go along one Sunday morning to meet them, and specifically to encourage them.
So I began to meet with them every Sunday morning and they were encouraged. I explained why I was there, and that encouraged them too. A turning point for me was that some of the members would go into another room to pray with whoever had been chosen to speak that morning. Sometimes there would be a visiting speaker, other times it would be one or two of the group. One day, only one person, Jim, went out to pray so I followed him out and joined in the prayer. He was touched by this I think, and we struck up a friendship which has lasted right up to the present day.
The Eatons reminded me very much of Zetland Road Church and Horsecastle Chapel (see part 2 of this series), they were just the same kind of traditional, independent, evangelical gathering. The Eatons had made a bargain with Jesus, they had ‘laid out a fleece’. They had stated that if two or three new families joined them by the end of the current year they would continue, but if not they would close down the meetings and wrap up the finances and the organisation. They counted my appearance as a step in the right direction, but I explained gently that I was not a permanent feature but had been told to come and encourage them. I was even invited to speak to them one Sunday morning which I did, though I’m not a great public speaker – far from it! I don’t recall what I spoke about but it was politely and kindly received. In due course The Eatons did close down but I had made some new friends. Not just Jim and his wife Pam, but some others too including Sean. Jim and Sean became involved in some of the home meetings mentioned earlier.
A longer perspective
From my longer perspective today at seventy-seven years old I can see that what seemed a minor difference between me and the Open Door elders is in truth a yawning gulf. It’s not just that I took a misstep, but that the entire edifice of following Jesus (Church almost everywhere and throughout history) took an enormous misstep at some point in its past development. Do we follow Jesus and Jesus alone? Or do we follow people who have structured what began as a simple community into a series of organisations that often disagree with one another on the details of what to think, what to believe, and how to behave?
The change may have been kickstarted by the Roman Empire making Christianity the official religion of the Empire in the 300s CE. Or it may go back even before that. But whatever the origins, it’s a misinterpretation and misrepresentation of what Jesus and the early church intended and practised. That all are equal under one head (Jesus), that all are filled with and empowered by his Spirit, and structures of stone or of management are not required or permitted. Church is community, a structure of children, women and men organised and motivated by the Same Holy Spirit and following only one master – Jesus!
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Teaching is not a bad thing, it’s an essential thing. A well-balanced community living in Jesus’ presence needs to receive truth from apostolic, prophetic, evangelistic, pastoral and teaching gifts.
A new family moved into the village and began to advise and work with Tony, Faith, Paul, Jenny and some of our friends from the next village, Claverham. During this time Judy and I began to feel that things were going a bit off-track. Judy actually wanted nothing to do with the new situation, I decided to go along to the meetings fairly often to keep in touch with our friends. I should add, right at the outset, that I don’t think there was any intention to derail the work that Father was doing amongst us, but rather to enrich it and bring additional knowledge and experience to the mix. But unintentionally this had the effect of changing track with a new focus on teaching that had not been there before. Teaching had never been a notable part of our meetings, we had always been guided mainly by prophecy, and by what we read in the Bible. We were exposed to teaching when we went to larger meetings (the pre-crusade rallies in Portishead for example and visits to Pip’n’Jay in Bristol or the meetings at Post Green), and from the popular books that were doing the rounds (books by Graham Pulkinhgham, Michael Harper, Colin Urquhart, David Watson and others) and we did a small amount of teaching when we were invited to visit local churches as ‘Fountain’. But in our own weekly and daily meetings there was little to no teaching. We were growing and learning together in our exciting faith journey. It was wonderful and extraordinary while it lasted.
But now Alan and Dorothy provided new songs (some of them truly excellent) and Alan taught regularly about how and when and where the meetings should take place as well as material about Jewish customs, feasts and celebrations. Alan and Dorothy came from a background of small gatherings in a different part of the UK (Blyth). So the Spirit-guided growth we had experienced gradually gave way to ideas and processes managed mainly by Alan. Something similar to this has happened over and over again throughout church history. Personally I learned a good deal by seeing it happen both from the outside (because I wasn’t directly involved in the events) and also from the inside (because I was at many of the meetings and had a ringside seat, so to speak). Sometimes I feel I should have shared my thoughts and feelings clearly, but Alan was experienced in meetings of this kind and I was not. I didn’t feel it was my place to interfere, nor was I part of what was happening. When I went along to a meeting I always felt I was accepted partly because I didn’t stir up trouble, but somehow seen as not quite making the grade. Everyone must have been aware that I had some doubts though I was careful not to express them too often or too forcefully. I was, however, grieving about the loss of the sense of direction we’d had together and the subtle shifts in emphasis.
A bad thing can sometimes spark good outcomes
What a strange heading, but it’s true! A few years later my wife Judy was diagnosed with bowel cancer and everything changed. Your friends are always your friends, through good times and bad, so at some point in late spring or early summer 1995 I think, I approached Tony and Faith with this really bad news and invited them to visit and pray with us. And because your friends are always your friends, they were not slow to respond. This coincided with a time when the meetings with Alan and Dorothy were proving rather difficult though I didn’t know that at the time.
Before long Tony and Faith, and Paul and Jenny were coming round for an evening visit at least once a week, and eventually two or even three times a week as Judy’s illness progressed. But what happened during those meetings was astounding and utterly unexpected. Jesus was palpably present every single time we met, and his Spirit was so active amongst us. We experienced prophecy, interpreted tongues, and deep coincidences between songs we were singing, what we were thinking and Bible readings that popped out in the moment. We knew we were right in Father’s presence every time we met. This was holy ground. None of us had experienced anything like it before. The cancer spread and I, for one, had no expectation of physical healing, but Judy and I were both blessed deeply by the renewed presence of our friends and by the experiences in the meetings. It’s fair to say we were all changed by these times together and I know that all of us who remain will never forget it. Judy died on 28th December 1995 and Paul is now no longer with us either. I’m sure all of us learned a lot through the shared experience of those times. Looking back from the perspective I have now, it seems that the change in the meetings following Alan and Dorothy’s arrival combined with the astounding times and experiences as we met again during Judy’s illness, starkly illuminated the difference between living and meeting in our own human wisdom and strength and the freedom we had in the pure presence of Jesus and his Spirit. There’s something further to say about this.
Teaching is not a bad thing, it’s an essential thing. A well-balanced community living in Jesus’ presence needs to receive truth from apostolic, prophetic, evangelistic, pastoral and teaching gifts. If any are missing or if there is an imbalance, any group, no matter how well-meaning, risks derailment in one form or another.
Winding down
After Judy’s death, the five of us continued to meet for a while, and sometimes we were joined by a couple from Clevedon, members of a new local church, and also by Donna (now my second wife) who was a work colleague from Long Ashton Research Station.
These meetings, too, were good but things were still changing. I remain in touch with Tony and Faith occasionally, though less so with Jenny. Donna and I were married a few years later and left the south-west for the east of England, but that’s another story and I’ll share my personal journey of faith there in the next part of this series. Paul and Jenny moved east as well to be closer to more of her family. Tony and Faith still live in the village of Yatton. Donna and I moved west again ten years ago and now live in Cirencester, Gloucestershire.
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This index brings together posts on the gradual process of spiritual development or spiritual formation during my life.
1 – Why did I leave the Anglican Church? – This set the pattern for me. It’s been a repeat pattern of deciding I was not where Father wanted me to be and exploring further with as open a mind as possible.
